Why Communication Is The Key To A Successful Marriage

I love reading agony aunt pages, those "Dear Patricia" letters that make you feel better because someone has shown that they're worse off than you. The reason they're worse off is not necessarily because of their problem but because they deem it big enough to write to the world about it.

I'm fascinated by the replies of the professionals, especially when that professional is actually qualified to give an answer, such as a psychologist. These are the "no rubbish, straight to the point" answers, which invariably blame the person themselves for the problem. I don't claim to now be a whizz where psychology is concerned, but from reading hundreds of problem pages over the years, there is definitely a common theme running through the letters sent from wives who are unhappy with their husbands but who can't seem to communicate their points.

Often the letters come from wives at the end of their tether because their husband is annoying them in some way. Maybe he has become moody in recent years, maybe he had an affair, maybe he is often absent from the house. "Patricia" seems to always point at a lack of communication as the key to the relationship issues. Maybe they were so busy rearing the kids and working to keep a roof over their heads that they stopped focusing on their relationship. Maybe they gradually drifted apart and now find it difficult to communicate at all. "If you don't tell him how you feel", she points out, "how is he to know"? Women are brilliant at intuition but men are terrible in my opinion. Men need the seemingly obvious explained to them and hints often don't get the message across.

So here are my tips for getting that point across:

1. Don't stew or sulk about an issue, always bring up something you feel strongly about.


2. Choose your words carefully and never nag. To distinguish "nagging" from "asking", never start a sentence with "Why don't you?". This sentence is negative and provoking and immediately will put him on the defensive. Instead, say "Would you mind doing....?". Even if you are fit to explode with rage, hold back, construct a nice, motivating sentence and say it.


3. For a particularly sensitive issue, ask if its ok that you talk about something and agree before you begin that there will be no voices raised, that he agrees to listen with an open mind and that you are bringing this up because you are concerned.


4. Let some issues pass, some which pale in significance to other problems. Focus on what is important.


5. Be ready to meet in the middle. You are not perfect either and it's likely that you annoy him on some level also. Be open and listen to what he has to say. Be ready to meet him in the middle.

So they're my tips, gathered from my very limited knowledge of relationships. See what you think and do with them what you will!